More Than My Own Life
by inspiration x3
Summary: New Moon, exploring the blank chapters in Bella and Edward's relationship. My interpretation of Bella, Edward and other's thoughts about the relationship ending, the time spent apart, and basically everything else, with POV shift. Please enjoy & review!
1. The Blank Chapters

I gazed out the window, in the same dazed fashion as in the days, weeks, and months before. These were the unwritten chapters of my life, the ones I walked through blankly, but walked through nonetheless. I still half wished to hear the window open unexpectedly again, to see him with in his god-like glory, the iridescent marble being that still haunted my dreams.

I shouldn't say he haunted my dreams. Haunted would imply my fear of him, while, really I slept only to be near him. My dreams remained the only place where everything seemed right with the world, he was with me again. The only thing that got me through my days now was the promise of sleep… that and Jacob.

Oh, my Jacob. Always there to pick me up. Why he sticks around I have no idea, I can't even pretend to think of myself as pleasant these days. I force myself to talk to even him, all the while reliving my last few moments with Edward in my head, searching for some hidden meaning the words we exchanged, something to justify his leaving, something to make me think he'll come back. The truth is…. It's that…

"Bella? Are you even listening?" I could tell it wasn't his first time trying to break me out of my vampire-induced stupor.

"Mm?" I murmur softly, hoping he won't press me to answer him further.

"Bella. I'm concerned. We all are. I know it hurts, but you have other friends to carry you through this. You have me." He looks at me through that shaggy hair and I know he cares but his words are just adding straw to this already over-burdened camel's back.

"What? No. I don't think about that," I said flatly, hoping he wouldn't call my bluff.

Who was I kidding? He had known me too long for that. "Bella," he said, "I know you are. Just remember that I'm here."

Suddenly, I felt myself falling into his welcome arms, his warm, supportive arms. They reminded me of the days of the past. The days before this all had happen. The days when I had been happy. When the nostalgia became too much to even think about, as I knew it would, I broke away and fled to the beckoning room at the top of the stairs. He called after me, but I could not bear to turn to face him and reveal the emotion that had exploded out, nearly knocking the wind out of me.

A sob caught in my throat as I yelled down to him, "Jake, I don't feel so well, let yourself out, okay? Sorry."

I didn't wait for his reply but rather turned and threw my weight against the door, turning the lock as my body shook with the pain that had built up in those days since his departure.

Sixty-four days had passed since he left. Sixty-four and I still could barely stand it to say his name. Sixty-four days and I still love him.

I wondered if I could make it to sixty-five as I slumped to the floor, the cool wood a welcome comfort to my burning face and falling tears.

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**a/n: I don't really know how good this is, it' my first fan-fic... Should I continue this? Drop me a review, the feedback is appreciated (:**


	2. Life Over Love?

Sixty-four days. The endless, gloomy eternity I must now spend without her stretches before me just as the gray rain clouds stretch in the endless expanse of sky above my own head. I pause in the middle of the street for a minute… It couldn't be! Her hair hung down her back in carefully styled waves and her pale hands flitted about excitedly as she walked away from me, talking to the girl walking with her. She looked so vibrant… so… _alive_. Oh Bella, Bella my love.

There was no harm in following her if I kept out of sight, right? I mean it seemed impossible that she would travel to Seattle the same day that I decided to revisit the place I first realized her beauty, but maybe our connection truly ran that deep. I would have to remain unseen, though; it would only make it harder to return to hiding if she recognized me.

The duo sauntered into a nearby coffee shop as I watched intently from across the street. As I edged closer to the shop, hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl, hoping to listen in on her companion's thoughts, she looked backward and saw me staring. And I _heard_ her wonder why I was staring.

I ran at as human a pace as I could muster though the faceless crowd, ignoring the thoughts of others around me, pushing through until I reached the outskirts of town, a deserted clearing, laughing bitterly all the while at the fact that I actually believed the girl could have been my Bella. It's an ironic sensation, that, the ache I feel in her absence has made me feel more human than I have in decades. I had lived without her for so long, but now the days seem unbearable.

In retrospect, the day I left, I had never planned to. I had been thinking about all the ways to keep her safe, but never planned to leave her like I did. And then, her birthday. I still believed that if Jasper went elsewhere to seek help, and if we just took extra precautions, she could be fine. The perfect façade of our everlasting love had started to disintegrate around that time, though; I started to realize how fragile she was, and how little I could do to protect her. It was not that I didn't love her, I loved Bella more than anything, but I worried for her and my love was the impetus for me leaving.

Oh, but then as we were walking out of school, I… I saw her stumble over nothing, as she admittedly often did, but suddenly it hit me fast and hard. She was mortal; a fall like that that would leave naught a scratch upon me could bruise her beautiful glowing skin. Her cheeks blushed with embarrassment at her misstep, and my eyes burned with the realization of the danger I was putting her in. I had been selfish, to tie her to me in this way, to force upon her secrecy that stifled her personality and caused her peers to look at her warily as we walked together. She could have died on her own birthday, much as I wished to delude myself into thinking that, since it had turned out alright that time, that it always would. I had to save her any way I could, even if it meant hurting her. She would live; she would have a chance at growing old with companions that could do the same, people that could understand her.

She made it to easy. If she had protested, if she had begged me to stay as I assumed she would, I know I would have broken down. I know that I would have stopped my plan and stayed with her, no matter the cost. I would have found a way. But she simply blinked in disbelief and let me go, as if it was something she did that drove me to do this. She would never drive me to this, she never could. It was because of me, because of my monstrous state. If things were different… If we both lived in a different world, maybe I could return to her, to our love. I wondered if she had already found someone else, if she was already moving on without me. Head in hands, I sat that way until dusk, only leaving when a combination of nostalgia and thirst drove me away from my mournful crouch.


	3. It's Unavoidable

**A/N:**

**I am so sorry that I dropped off the planet for awhile... school took over, and I couldn't think anyway. This new chapter goes in a new directer, and I would love to know what you guys think of it!**

**Please R&R and ENJOY!**

**-Inspiration x3**

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She always seemed so strong to me. So powerful, so perfect. But it made her all the more desireable. I thought that nothing could take the laughter from her lips, the light from her eyes. Until _he_ showed up. He seemed to make her happy, as I grew more and more jealous. And then – suddenly- everything I had wished for happened. He left.

But then, all at once, it wasn't what I had wished for at all. She collapsed when I thought she would come running. It was too much weight for Charlie to bear; he couldn't hold her up alone. That's where I came in.

I don't understand why she let him go. I don't understand why she isn't angry. I could deal with angry, but somehow it isn't pain I see behind her eyes. It's regret. As if she did something to deserve this. Oh Bella. You can be strong for everyone but yourself.

I am going to KILL him for what he did to her. That seems a fair punishment. He may have not physically killed her, but she walks around now as we all watch, wondering when she will finally cave in. Her face, the pale skin usually glowing with some kind of inner light now seems more fragile than ever, accented by the dark rings that appeared under her beautiful eyes. Her hair hangs limp, as if everything about her is cold with despair. He did this to her, he ruined her. He killed my Bella.

It's so messed up that I love her more than ever since this happened, but I don't want to show it, that would make me feel like scum. I'd be taking advantage of her. Of what he did to her. And I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that in some convoluted way, he was helping me by what he did. I couldn't do that to her. So I reign myself back, I let her know that I'm here for her, and I wait. Wait for him to come back. Wait for her to notice me. Wait for the light to come back to her eyes, the glow to come back to her skin. I wait for her to become my Bella again.

I wonder if he knows what he did. Stupid bloodsucker, he's probably ruined the lives of countless other women over the centuries. I can't even think straight anymore. I just… can't deal with what he did to her.

I snap out of my thoughts as she says my name.

"Jake…"

"What is it Bella?"

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this… I'm just some stupid teenager with relationship trouble." She attempts a feeble laugh, and I can tell she doesn't want me to see how much it hurts.

" No Bella, it's not that. I…" I was struggling to find words at this point. She couldn't know how much I loved her. Not now. "It's really a tossup… Hmm, my best friend versus the filthy bloodsucker… You know that I'd pick you every time." That was weak. I could kick myself for attempting humor, but I look over to see if she is laughing all the same. Instead of at least a hint of a smile, I am faced with far away eyes.

"Bella?" Still nothing. "Bella? Are you even listening?" I could see her

"Mm?" I murmur softly, hoping he won't press me to answer him further.

"Bella. I'm concerned. We all are. I know it hurts, but you have other friends to carry you through this. You have me." This was my attempt at being deep, or whatever those chai latte and book club kind of guys claim to be. Besides sissies.

"What? No. I don't think about that," she said. She even sounded dead. I really was going to kill him.

I had known her too long, and I could see on her face that she was lying. "Bella," I said softly, "I know you are. Just remember that I'm here."

Then, as if my prayers were being answered, she leaned towards me and fell against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and stroked her hair gently, wishing that I could somehow make this easier for her. Then, as suddenly as it happened, she pulled away, and spun to face the other way. I reached out to her, but she ran for the stairs, calling down that she didn't feel well, and that I could let myself out. She didn't realize that I could tell that she was crying, but I could, and I knew one thing for certain. A passing thought was about to become my new mantra. I am going to kill him. It's unavoidable. Maybe I can get Charlie on my side…

As I let myself out, I looked up at her dark window and vowed to myself to protect her from the one evil that could make her die from the inside out. _Him._


	4. The Absence of Beauty

**A/N:**

**Hey guys, **

**Thanks to those of you who have reviewed! It really means a lot.**

**Today I was really in a writing mood, so I posted two chapters. But then I realized something. 253 hits. That's awesome! 10 reviews….**

**Now, I've never been great at math, but somehow I don't think those numbers add up. **

**Please R&R it means so much! Seeing reviews, whether positive or constructive criticism puts me in such a better mood and makes me want to write more. I'm not going to be one of those prima donnas who refuses to write until she gets more reviews, but… come on guys… it can be really short if you want!**

**-Inspiration x3**

**P.S. This chapter is a little bit heavy… should I change the rating to T?**

**P.P.S. My inspiration and background music for this chapter was the amazing 'Wine Red' by The Hush Sound 3 **

Fantastically freaky, his gem, EJ Santry, animanga128, youMEANeverything14, aliceinwonderland2000, katara-team . Switzerland-4evr, hugecullenfan… Thanks again(=

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Day Sixty-five. It seems like I've survived awhile without him. I mean, the number does at least. I feel like this struggle has been going on for longer than just awhile.

I walked alone toward the school that I once looked so forward to going to. But now, it was more like I wanted to get where I was going as quickly and as painlessly as possible. As the building loomed closer and closer, I tried, not to prevent thoughts of him, but to cease thinking all together. I was succeeding all too well when I tripped over nothing and fell to the ground, shocked. As I pushed away from the ground to stand up, I felt a sharp pain in my right palm. I lifted it close to my face to inspect it, and saw the drop of blood that had escaped from the tiny cut there.

At that point, I couldn't help it. I broke down in tears, not because I was hurt, but because I realized that I half-wished I had been walking with a vampire who, willingly or not, could finish the job I had considered starting the night before. Truthfully, I didn't think I would make it to day sixty-five. Jacob came over after school that day to try and make me feel better, but I couldn't handle it. After he had gone, I sat in my dark bedroom, thinking over everything. Would he have stopped if I had begged him to stay like a classically weak girl in a movie? Is that what he had wanted all along? When he told me I was the only one who made him feel this way and that he couldn't live without me… How many other girls had he said that to? I was just a stupid human to believe that. In that instant, as rage flashed behind my closed eyes, I knew what I wanted to do. I knew how I was going to deal with this.

It seemed cynically ironic for my taste, though no one would know it but him and me. And probably Jacob too, but he wouldn't really understand. I was about to do it, about to end everything, and let go of these emotions forever, but something stopped me. As I glanced toward the window, I saw the sun suddenly try and break though the dark, mid-afternoon clouds, which somehow gave me a bit of hope. My heart was heavy, yes, but I suddenly wasn't sure this drastic of a measure was really vital. The knife clattered from my hand onto the floor, and I realized my teeth had been clenched, as if I were scared. Which I was, I just assumed I had more control than that. With the sound of the knife hitting the floor I realized that I wasn't making the right choice. I wanted to pretend that I had realized how hurt Charlie and Renee would be, and how angry Jacob would be… but that wasn't it. It was stupid. It was more than stupid, it was pathetic, but I couldn't help thinking that if he ever cam back, it would help if I were alive.

Suddenly, I was more tired than I had ever felt from the events of the day, and dropped to the bed feeling hollow inside, as if I had cried all my tears, as if there were a certain daily allotment that I had exceeded. I closed my eyes, and entered a different world, one in which everything was right.

But that night, the only escape I had known in these past few months, my dreams, were like an extension of the nightmare I was already living. I was losing him all over again, and as I tried to escape the pain, a felt myself start to cry. I forced myself out of the dream, and sat up. Through my post-sleep haze, I thought I saw the window gently close a fraction of a centimeter, as a dark figure flitted away from the window. It couldn't be! Was he really there, or was that wishful thinking tricking my eyes? As I dried the tears from my eyes that had started flowing again, disproving my earlier theory that I had cried all my tears, I tried to settle back under my comforter and into slumber, but for once, I was hoping for dreamless sleep.


	5. Latent Regrets

How did I find myself in this position, watching her frail body twist about under the comforter, contorting herself in such a way that I instantly knew she was having a nightmare?

I shouldn't have done it.

I couldn't help myself. I knew it was dangerous, and I knew I should have refrained myself, but it was impossible. She was everything I wanted, everything I couldn't have. She was, and remained to be the only person to make me feel human again. I had to see her again, even if she didn't know I was there.

I hadn't known how much damage I had caused. As I watched her fitful sleep, my eyes examined the room, looking to see if it was the way I remembered. And then, suddenly, my eyes caught a glint of silver on the floor near the bed… It couldn't be! A knife?

The full weight of my actions came crashing around me. I never meant to do this to her! I left only to protect her. I needed to leave; I needed to think this over. I didn't want to keep on hurting her like this, and for an instant I wanted to return. No, I couldn't do that. Which was the lesser evil? That was the true question, the one making my head throb when she suddenly sat up. I could see the outline of silvery tears on her porcelain skin as she softly called my name. She was still asleep – but for how long? I needed to leave.

As I slowly slipped out the window, I glanced back, to find her staring at me with a hint of recognition in her eyes. No, it was impossible that she had seen me, she would wake up the next morning thinking it all a dream, albeit mostly likely an unpleasant one, and though I somehow wanted to ease her pain, I knew it was for the best that she didn't know I had visited under the stifling secrecy of the hours before dawn.

It's funny that, right before the dawn of a new day comes a darkness that seems unending. Just when you are about to give up hope of ever seeing the light again, the sun breaks out over the horizon and everything is right with the world once again.

Bella is my sun. Though we are going through darkness right now, I vow to find a way to come back to her, to get through the night and see my love shining before me once more. I refuse to be blinded by the darkness, I refuse to back down. Bella my love, I_ will_ come back for you.

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**A/N:**

**Sorry this chapter was so short guys, I felt like this was all that was on Edward's mind at the present... hahah and I'm realizing now that the last few paragraphs really reference Breaking Dawn, but I also feel like starting a new life with Bella was on his mind all that time.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

**-inspiration x3**


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